So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
