I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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