Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Randomize
