drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
