Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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