im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
