What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
