Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
