Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
