Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
