So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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