Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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