Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
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