I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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