i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
