i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
we should paint friendship bongs
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
