I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
