that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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