So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
