There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I would fuck him just for his dog
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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