Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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