just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize