he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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