The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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