I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
