life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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