He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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