shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
