I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
