I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
