So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
