I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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