I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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