Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize