Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
