im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
