He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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