sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
