So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
