It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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