She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize