the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
