I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
