the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
