I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
