His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
