I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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