I will die if light touches me.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
