just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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