My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
