you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
