Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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