I just threw up on my dentist
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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