Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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