I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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