peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
