I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
