Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
