2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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