i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
