I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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