shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
