I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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