Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
