Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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