Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
