If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
3pm strippers are depressing
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
