Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
