And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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