i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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