Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
