i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
