Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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